Monday, February 25, 2008

So Much for Brevity

OK then! Whew, last week was a whole lot of emotion and angst. I'm ready for a little lighthearted brevity, and I bet you are too. I know, I know--my self-inflicted black eye at the grocery store would fall right into that category. But right now I'm thinking not so much about black eyes at Cub Foods as the Black Hole of Target. Also known as the Target Shopping Bermuda Triangle.

See, on Saturday evening, after I nursed Genevieve, put her to bed, and sang bedtime songs with Julia, I went out for a quick jaunt to Target. I had a few things of my own to shop for, and wanted to be unencumbered by small children so I could do so in peace. I figured I'd run out, try on a few pairs of workout pants, grab some anti-aging eye cream (Oy! A post in itself. I'm old. And have you tried shopping for anti-aging eye cream lately? Did you know there are ten million varieties, and they all cost, like, $23.95 for .5 fluid ounces? What exactly is in eye cream, people?--liquid gold?), and be home in 45 minutes. Tops.

I came home 2-1/2 hours later.

Christopher said he knew I hadn't been killed in a car accident because the cops would have contacted him about 90 minutes prior. He did wonder, however, if I had gone to Target in another town.

I have no explanation. It was as if, since I was not accompanied by an angry baby fussing over being strapped into the cart and therefore did not have to race through the aisles at breakneck speed, madly collecting random brands of whatever I needed in an effort to get out of the store as fast as possible, I somehow got sucked into a vortex of time-warpage where I became more slow-moving with every minute that passed. I stood there comparing mascara tubes and running tights and travel mugs like a woman with nothing but time. I tried on five pairs of workout capris and four pairs of black ballerina flats. Somehow at some point I found myself considering tan suede armchairs. People, it was ridiculous. I could feel the pull of the Target Black Hole, but I was powerless to avoid it, even as I grew more and more tired and dimly aware that the store was soon going to close. When I arrived home, I had to down two big glasses of water and a couple of ibuprofen, as if I'd just come home from a hard run. Christopher just shook his head at me.

Ultimately, I had two major realizations stemming from my Target excursion. First, if you should find yourself compelled to buy your children's Easter basket stuff now, despite the fact that it's not even March yet and there is absolutely no reason to be doing so, there is NO NEED to spend 40 minutes in the Easter section. I know there's a lot to look at; I realize all the plush chickies and rabbit-shaped bubble bottles and pastel sidewalk chalk and jelly beans are entrancing (and paralyzing). But seriously: just grab your chocolate eggs and go. YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF. Trust me on this one.

Second: the Liz Lange Maternity clothes at Target right now are SO UNBELIEVABLY CUTE, cuter than the regular clothes. For a moment you may wish you were pregnant just so you could wear them. That's fine, as long as you don't actually go and act on that thought.


squab said...

I soooooooo relate to this post. Whenever I get a chance to shop sans baby, it inevitably takes me about 4 times longer than it should. Target is the worst, but I'm equally capable of wasting time at Cub, Kowalski's, Ikea, the mall - I have no idea how I spend the time, either. I think it's some weird kind of warp in the space/time continuum.

Shan said...

It DEFINITELY is. I'm glad I'm not the only one to fall prey.

Donna said...

Funny how it takes so much longer when you're not with the kids - and can cost so much more....

Been there. Done that. Yup.

Oz said...

I adore Target, too. I can't seem to get out of the store without spending $100, even if all I needed to get when I walked in was toothpaste