Sunday, January 18, 2009

Waiting

The past week has been a stressful one for me. I have a dear great-aunt in northern Minnesota with pancreatic cancer who is moving slowly but inevitably toward death, and the maternal side of my family has been keeping the death watch, putting wet cloths to her lips and holding her hands. She was akin to another grandma to me during my childhood, and a second mom to my mother. She is one of the most special people I have ever known. She can no longer swallow food and has not eaten since Wednesday, is under hospice care at her home, and those of us far away are merely waiting for the call. Thankfully, over Christmas I was able to drive the extra hour north to see her with my mom, to say my goodbyes, but the question of traveling to her funeral remains: how, when, who? I'm just waiting for the call.

I was also sick all last week, taking cold medication and having vivid, emotional dreams at night, barely getting by during the day, calling Christopher home from work to take over at times. Amidst all this, I also underwent two phone interviews for a part-time freelance writing job that, if it pans out, could be a great opportunity for me but will also require a major change in my current lifestyle and schedule. Hours once spent running, or cooking and cleaning, or eating ice scream in front of What Not to Wear, would be spent writing fast and furiously, and I'm not sure I'm up to it. I'm not sure I'm ready to suddenly become a work-at-home-mom. Can I do it? I'm not sure. At the same time, though, I realize that sometimes a person needs to take a leap of faith even when she doesn't know exactly how something new will feel, or how it will go, or if it will even work out, or be worth it. So I'm trying to keep an open mind, and just wait to see what the universe has in store for me. Which is all any of us can really do, right?

3 comments:

Trish said...

My thoughts are with you guys as you wait to hear of your Aunt. Thoughts & Prayers to your family.

latisha said...

ive been meaning to comment for a million years, but you know time... trish is my husbands cousin and she referred me to your blog many moons ago. first of all, much positive mojo sent your way for your family troubles.

second, i just love your blog and wanted to give you some kudos. i keyed in on the part about your phone interviews and though im sure its not forefront on your mind these days, best best of luck. i would die for such an opportunity. your writing definately deserves a professional (read - get paid girl!) platform. keep it up.
besos from phoenix

Shan said...

Latisha, thank you so much for your comment. It's SO nice to hear from people who have been referred to my blog! :) Well, I didn't get the job after all. I'm not giving up, though. I know there is some opportunity in store for me that will be right. It just hasn't found me yet.

Thank you for your kind words!