Monday, July 27, 2009

My Brain is More Exhausted Than my 30-Day-Shredded Body. Which is Saying a Lot.

Over the weekend Christopher took the girls to the park, to the pool, and on bike rides, so that I could play retro mom and do things like make homemade chocolate-zucchini bread and focaccia, blanch and freeze several pounds of newly-picked green beans, create several large bouquets of fresh flowers from blooms we cut ourselves at our CSA farm on Saturday, roast farm-share vegetables, and paint my childhood kid-sized dresser to put in the nursery once we get rid of our now-obsolete changing table.

But don't misunderstand! My weekend was jam-packed with chores and household tasks, tiring and busy, but it was productive, and I love getting tons of things done and feeling good about it afterward; I love sitting in bed late at night reading the latest New Yorker and feeling exhausted in a good way. (A cool, fragrant summer breeze wafting in from the frog-peeping dark does not hurt, either.) (And please note: there is a BIG difference between having long stretches of kid-free time on the weekend to get necessary household tasks completed and trying to get these same kinds of things done on weekdays with a toddler at your knee and a preschooler talking nonstop.)

I've been thinking about my busy-busy post the other day, and about how, though I struggle with finding time to relax and take time "off" (is there such a thing, when you're a full-time mom? not really), for the most part keeping a clean, smoothly-running household and cooking wholesome meals from scratch for my family every day is what makes me happy. If I let things go like some of you encourage, in order to spend more time relaxing and enjoying the moment, I would end up living in a dirty house, which I personally find very depressing, so it's really not a win for me. YOU might not find that depressing at all, but I do, and if I'm not cooking and cleaning, believe me, no one else is doing it for me. (Therefore: nonstop crazy housewifery.) Which is why I'm done apologizing for my high worker productivity. I'm not promising I'm done complaining about it now and then, though. Because nothing's black or white in this life, is it?

Hey! Speaking of things not being black or white, I also spent the entire weekend obsessing over Genevieve and preschool! I know! Can you believe it? I'm STILL agonizing about Genevieve and preschool? With only three weeks left until the deadline for committing for the year?

Well, yes. On Friday at the city pool she cried when I tried to leave her with her sister and some friends for half a minute so I could use the restroom, and I just thought, Is this barnacle baby really ready to leave me at the door and embark on the path of nursery school by herself, she with next to no playgroup, toddler class, or babysitter experience?

Can I imagine her doing things like, say, sitting and smiling for a school-portrait photographer without bursting into intimidated tears, or uttering a sentence anyone else but Julia and I can understand, with her round toddler speech and baby words?

Wouldn't she much prefer an extra year at home with me, taking toddler-parent ECFE classes together and maybe doing a regular playgroup to get her more used to socializing?

And yet, my working-mom friends with kids in daycare look at me and go, What? You're worried about a measly five hours per week of nursery school at a place she knows and loves? That's nothing! Do it!

And yet, I think most moms with children with birthdays as late as Genevieve's tend to hold them back a year, and wait. And I wonder if being a good mom means keeping my baby home with me an extra year. And I sort of want to, because she IS my baby.

And yet, if you ask Genevieve, she says, "Weschool! When I turn wee!" (Then later she tells me she wants me to stay with her at preschool rather than drop her off and go.)


Oh! People! In other news, I only have one day left of the 30 Day Shred! Today is my 30th consecutive day, and I did not die, injure myself, or hunt down Jillian Michaels with the notion of exacting revenge. However, I think after tonight I may need to take a small break during which I do nothing but eat Dairy Queen Blizzards. It's just a thought.


donna said...

I love those days when you can get all those little (and not so little) housejobs done - with nothing but your own thoughts to keep you company. SO much easier than trying to squeeze them in to your daily life. I just feel so accomplished when I can get those kinds of things done.

As for 'letting things go.' I think that most of us who have suggested that don't mean to let everything go, but to forgive yourself for not doing it all all the time. My take on letting things go is that it's okay as long as you rotate what you're letting go, so it isn't always the same thing that gets left to the wayside. Of course, it's taken me awhile to get to this point to accept that standard, but my sanity takes precedent.

As for the preschool debate, I hope you find your answer soon. It's not an easy one to find because I can see both sides. (And as for working mothers saying to send her to school, not all of us feel that way. My thought is that you chose to stay home with your babies so you could, well, stay home with them.) In the end, the decision is yours (and C's) to make and no one else's. You know her best. Though people are often never shy to tell you their opinions (like I just did. Ahem.)

Lastly, congrats on finishing the 30 day shred. We have just a few more days, too. Funny how we both started it at the same time. Our lives seem to parallel each other a lot. :)

Shan said...

Well, to be totally accurate, I am ot QUITE done with the Shred b/c I still have today to do! Yikes! ;)