Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Postcard from Nowhere

People. I miss my online media.

It's only Wednesday, and I'm blogging. Sigh. What can I say? I miss you, my dears! And yes, I realize how pathetic that must sound considering the fact that most of you I do not even know in real, in-person life. Sigh, again. (Why don't you all move here, by the way?)

But I don't have much to say. Only that the weather is fantastically, dream-like gorgeous. Also that I am besieged lately by a mysterious, overwhelming sense of fatigue. My husband likes to blame it on residual 30 Day Shred exhaustion (it's been a week and a half since day 30), but I don't know if I buy it. Maybe....being a full-time mom to a nearly-three-year-old and a barely five-year-old? All those park and playground visits? Amidst weeding flowerbeds, cooking, and attending toddler tumbling class? Oh! I know! It's the five-mile runs I keep barely completing. Also the chronic worry over making the wrong decision about Genevieve and preschool? That is exhausting, let me tell you. EXHAUSTING, people. There's also the complete and utter mind-jolt of my oldest daughter heading off to kindergarten in a mere THREE AND A HALF WEEKS. Did you know that normal, well-adjusted moms do things right now like shop for school supplies and take inventory of what long pants and shoes fit their children, for the upcoming school year? Whereas I prefer to operate under a cloak of denial, studiously going for walks and filling the splash pool and planning field trips to local dairy farms and ignoring the calendar and the school supply list and the rapidly approaching deadline for TURNING IN PRESCHOOL TUITION?

You see? I'm exhausted. And, as usual, I feel for poor Genevieve, whose birthday falls just before the school-year rush, when clearly I am doomed to be my very best (worst) frazzled, feverish, exhausted, overwhelmed-full-time-mama self forevermore, forgetting about things like party decorations and birthday plans until the very last minute because I don't even realize it could possibly be the end of the summer already. I'm sorry, honey. I really am.

Some day I hope to go an entire week without feeling like I'm barely holding the household and myself together, an entire week without experiencing the overwhelming desire to lie down and take a nap; I hope to be that energetic and positive, that carefree and non-stressed! I have high hopes for this. I believe one day it will happen, maybe when no one is crying at bedtime or needing me to wipe their bottoms anymore, perhaps when a magical fairy comes and repaints all the cracking, scuffed, and splitting paint in my entire house so that I no longer find myself obsessing on the fact that paint is actually FALLING OFF THE WALL in my daughters' nursery, and WHO THE HELL HAS MONEY OR TIME TO PAINT THE INTERIOR OF THE HOUSE, I ASK YOU?

And as for an Internet vacation? I'll try again starting tomorrow.


latisha said...

its one day at a time. even the school stuff. just know she'll get there with pants that fit and you'll be loving watching her so engaged you'll have forgotten all about your worry. as for the online media a once in a while break is good. while i treasure my virtuality, real life is fun.

Mnmom said...

Are you pregnant? Ok, sorry, that wasn't funny. But . . . are you?

We've become mothers, and our days will never be care-free and stress-less. Very soon you will indeed sleep but the stress just morphs into something else, like 4th grade girl drama or the bully on the bus or her new boyfriend or finding an algebra tutor. Mothering is kind of like that whack-a-mole game. You whack down one issue and another pops up. But I DO INDEED like the fact that I can now drink hot coffee, sometimes read the Sunday paper, and go to the grocery store without screaming toddlers.

Shan said...

To Mnmom:

OMG, no. I am very, very tired, but I am not pregnant. Although seriously, it kind of reminds me of that feeling! Bite your tongue. I would fall over from a heart attack, then cry, then call everyone I know and beg them to give me all their baby stuff from their garages, b/c we gave all of ours away already. ;) Then I would hope to win the lottery so I could actually afford to raise a third child.

Shan said...

And p.s. to Mnmom---that notion of mothering being like the game Whack-A-Mole is very astute! Boy, I guess you are right. Are you saying I'll never go a full week without feeling like a stress case ever again? Oh boy.

Other than that, thank you for your call and sorry I was so disjointed on the phone--we had just come home from a day field trip and were on our way down for naps, and people were crying. Not me, but other people. ;) And I could not hear you well over the crying. Talk to you soon though! We should do coffee some time this fall when you're not at work but my girls are at school (?!)....

Anonymous said...

Not only is Shannon not pregnant, she cannot be. Not by my hand. Err...


What I meant to say in re. exhaustion is that I think the 30-Day Shred (the lack of a dash really bugs me) was the event that's knocked everything else off kilter, physically. Think about it. When professional athletes, or even serious amateurs, embark on a hard training period, it lasts maybe 10 days. In between workouts, they rest - they don't parent small children and run a household. When the hard period ends, they rest some more - with naps, and eating, and lying down. You did none of that. Your body is cooked, and it's going to take a long time to recover, especially since you continue to do unavoidable, demanding things like parent small children and run a household. The stress isn't good, in its own right, but it's even worse when 't help, but when laid over the physical worn-out-edness.