Tuesday, November 01, 2011

There Are No Words. Other Than These, I Mean.

Another year, another giant bowl of excess candy purchased for trick-or-treaters--apparently, the six hundred trick-or-treaters I inexplicably thought would come to my door. What the...? What am I thinking, people? Why does this happen EVERY YEAR? What is wrong with my brain that I can't remember, in the candy aisle at Target each October, that I DON'T NEED FOUR BAGS OF CANDY. I need, like, two. Or even one, if I don't give fistfuls to every child at my door in a frantic attempt to rid my house of the millions of calories that will otherwise end up in my mouth.

And speaking of excess candy, Good Lord Almighty I cannot BELIEVE my daughters' hauls. Since they literally go to only two blocks of houses, it seems everyone else is giving out fistfuls of candy, too. Actually, I know they are, because I witness it every year. Perhaps that knowledge somehow subconsciously affects my candy-buying every year. Keeping up with the Joneses and all that?

Even though my daughters DEFINITELY do not need it, I don't really believe in taking most of their Halloween candy away from them like some parents I know. I realize that's probably the best thing to do, parenting-wise. (They trade it in for a toy, or some such.) But it just seems sort of Grinch-ish and mean. If the Grinch had anything to do with Halloween. Which he doesn't.

I do dump out and sort through their stash once they go to bed, and confiscate anything choke-y or age-inappropriate (gum, Blow-Pops, jawbreakers, etc.). (What to do with those, by the way? Parents don't like that crap!) And then, last night, I also pilfered a ton of duplicate candy bars and M&Ms, not because I need or even really want to eat them but because my children just do not need hundred and hundreds of calories of chocolate and sugar. They do just fine with things like that in their normal daily lives which involve birthday parties, Mama's homemade desserts, school treats, playdate snacks, and all other manner of treat sources--no doubt way too many.

But in the end, their bags are still stuffed and heavy, to a ridiculous degree, and I keep wondering how much more I should take out, that they wouldn't remember they had. I don't want to deprive them of the fun of knowing what they got and what they'll get to eat; but I also know that it's totally excessive, all of it. And then there's the other question, of who's going to eat all that candy? The good stuff--the Reese's, the Snickers, the M&Ms and Milky Ways and Hershey bars? OMG! You all, I am coming off a running injury and subsequent six months of minimal exercise, paired with stress, a vitamin D deficiency, and annual autumnal mood issues. I already have five or six extra pounds vying for permanent residence on my...uh..."assets." This does not bode well. Oh sure, you might say, "Just don't eat it." But then I'd have to slug you and freeze you out of my social circle.

Just kidding.

Well, to round the night out right, Halloween ended with my 7-year-old developing apparent pinkeye (I assume that I'm next; it happens every time) and my Internet connection crashing just as I completed an online freelance article I'd been working on all day (if by "all day" you mean the multiple separate blocks of three minutes I had here and there between childcare, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, making the special mummy hotdogs for my daughter's Halloween dinner, and the like) and clicked "submit" to turn it in. Thus erasing my entire freelance article. Good thing the article WAS ONLY WORTH FIVE DOLLARS. Yes, that is what my life has come to. I am ghostwriting 400-word retail blog posts about kids' messenger bags for five dollars. Or not, if my computer crashes on me!


Halloween costume photo to come.


Daddy_Doc said...

Idea with extra candy could be to send it to work with Christopher and he could give it to co-workers. I know that a guy I work with brings in all extra holiday candy and we have a "candy area" that we deposit it too..Improves office moral!

Rita said...

I only bought ONE BAG this year. ONE!

I'm so proud of my restraint!